ch ch ch changes...

Pressured by the Carrie Bradshaw-esque dreams I've been having about this blog turning into a book on the NY bestseller list, here I am.  Or rather, here it is.  Now where do I start? I guess I can start with a mission statement or vision (so business minded, I am).  After about a year and a half on the dating scene circa 2004/5 I decided that my life, in all its humor AND misfortune would make a good book.  Ahh yes, you say, like the world really needs another Chelsea Handler or "My So Called Life" (swoon Jered Leto pre-fat days!!) take on early adulthood/being single shenanigans.  What makes me different? Probably nothing, except I love reliving the life I've had.  I've been blessed, I've had lots of fun, and I've paid for that fun in a variety of ways.  So why not share it with curious strangers and maybe a few friends and family? 

Now, down to business.  The recent news of my mom's diagnosis has been weighing heavy on my mind. Right at the beginning of her golden years (57), Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  It breaks my heart to think of the worst case scenerio and it also makes me angry.  I'm not ready for that. Surely, neither is she, nor is my Dad, sister, Aunt, Grandparents, ect.  I just haven't had the quality time with her as mom and daughter on a friend level that I always dreamed of.  No heart to hearts, no girls days out, no parenting jewels of wisdom for her to offer me.  Don't get me wrong, she is by no means incapacitated, she is quite spry and cheerful, but this is just not how I pictured this time in our lives, AT ALL.  I'm pretty sure my the rest of my family will say the same thing.  Am I regretful that I did not make the most of the time we had when I was younger?? Yes, sure.  But I must remember  that the relationship we had still managed to influence my life so I could be who I am today.  Whether she knows it or not, I think she suceeded in effortlessly raising 2 wonderful human beings.  We can be just as prickly as she can be at times, but also fun, smart, charming and creative! ("we" would refer to my sister and me.) 

I had a friend, a very close friend since my freshman year in HS, die 3 years ago from a drug overdose.  She may have been on the wrong path, but she had so much potential and had she been able to see the forest through the trees, we'd probably be on the phone right now.  She left behind a little girl who was born in 2002 (that would make her almost 8, yes that sounds about right).  Her daughter was SO bright, and so precious, and has been through hell and back due to her mom's habits and vices.  When it all became a little too much for me to be involved with, I had to take a break from her and in those 2 years her situation went from bad to worse...and then it ended.  Her daughter is left living with her dad, who I was never a fan of; and carries the emotional and physical baggage that came along with the life her mom chose to lead.  I feel so so sad that one day, if she hasn't already, she is going to feel that she was cheated out of having a mom.  Her REAL mom, and all the mom moments that come with it.

Not to forget my incredible husband who endured adolescence and beyond in a Dad only home.  He never saw it coming, but it did way too soon.  He grew to be such a great person, and while I know he misses her, I've never gotten a sense of self-pity from him.  He's accepted the hand he was dealt and he strives to do right.  (And of course he succeeds!!)

So who am I to even complain that at almost 30 years old my mom isn't able to play mommy to me the same way any more? 

I don't think I don't need to say that things like this can happen to anyone.  The time you spend with someone may be just passing time now, but in the future you will be able to look back and remember them.  Or, at least you will have enjoyable snippets of life with them to remisce.  So, ENJOY what you have, and who is special to you.  Its too late to start when you are doing it to try to satisfy the guilt for not doing it earlier.

Usually, my thoughts are not this circular.  As a disclaimer, I'm actually pretty sarcastic.  And since sarcasm never comes out well in writing,  take into consideration that I write how I talk, so really, I'm just speaking via type. (haha how's that for profound??) Basically, what I'm writing here, is what I'd be saying, and exactly how I'd say it, if you were sitting in front of me.  I'm pretty real like that.  <-----see, that was sarcasm.